Inpain4ever's Blog

Typical Day In Office

inpain4ever — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 20:53:19 +0000

You wake up in the morning to find, YOU missed the alarm and the day is more than half gone. The first thing your brain strikes: “What will be Mom’s reaction?” Knowing she will 9.9 out of 10 times, be angry or show her tantrums about this, you’re turned off immediately. Here goes another day where you have to see her swollen face or listen to her sarcastic comments throughout the day. Also, not to forget, your efforts of the past 4 days of not leaving the home, sitting next to her when she calls, eating what she wants you to and waking up early, even if you don’t get enough sleep, then, stretching your benchmark of 16 hours work, goes down the drain. Next thing you brains reminds you is, you’ll again have to work off late to complete today’s tasks, which means you will sleep late so your schedule adherence is gone for a toss and gives your mom another reason to react.

Well, by now, you’ve noticed me sleeping next to you and realize, me sleeping this late will be another reason for your mom to piss your precious day off. So, how to start your day without feeling so guilty? If only you could make me feel guilty for the whole situation, and remind me, how much your mom has distant herself from you because of you marrying a useless girl like me. Yes, that could wave off some of your guilty feeling so you can face your mom with the manly feeling saying, “Don’t worry mom, the guilty has got what she deserves.”

Well, how the rest of your day goes, does not need any mention. Obviously, you’ve found a way to start your day feeling lighter by accusing me making me feel useless and burden on you because I don’t work for 16 hours stretch for the business and not bringing in all the knowledge you posses by God’s grace… Hope, you have a great day Honey!

As the day progresses, you are not willing to work, because you woke up today with a shock and all your enthusiasm to work went down the drain. But you still stretch along the deadlines and see me trying to help a friend of Mine (not yours) and you burst on me in front of the office boy. Keep cool gal, he’s had a bad start (so what if you do the same 8 out 10 times). I gently request you to keep your tone low only in front of the office boy, you get another chance to yell back at me. Fine honey, as you please to calm down, I’ll take any amount of bash from you… you want me to offer you a stick and my ass.

Finally, you find pleasure in the company of your beloved family, celebrating your beloved devil brother’s regretful birth. You still expect me to act normal while I see you making jokes with your brother’s wife and trying to use your mom’s old tricks to make me jealous. LMAO guys very funny!! The celebration goes on, they want me to click pictures and smile away on every non-sense, blood sucking joke and everybody taking advantage of my bad mood. May be everybody seems extra happy because by now I’m extra pissed off and my pants are sure leaking. I’m done for the day I guess.

No baby girl, you guessed it all wrong. I’ve made a document 4 days ago to you to publish it, and you expect me to know everything about the product being launched. No matter it’s my very first product launch and documentation for it, its okay for you to expect me to be perfect, because ITS IN YOUR BLUE BLOOD, isn’t it? So, you get another chance to whack me when you find any mistakes or missed out modules I didn’t even know existed with the product, simply because I can’t see what is not visible to naked eye, or is known only to its maker. Fine, it’s been so many times, so one more time won’t hurt. I’ll take it.

And end my day on this note. I wish, if you ever loved me enough, that you become me and live with yourself for one fine day and then honeybunch… Don’t tell me about it, ‘coz I’m living this 3^rd degree every single moment of my wasted life with you!

Am I Doing the Right Thing?

inpain4ever — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 16:57:07 +0000

I’ve been missing my mom for quite some time, for reasons just known to us both (my hubby and me). Whether he accepts it or not, I’ve a reason, a strong one, to feel this way. I’m tired of making everybody happy and in end, left alone crying with no one there to even think of me. I wasn’t mean to live like this. I never chose this life, only because I was never made aware of this reality and it was impossible for me to foresee or fore-think of something I’ve never seen or heard of, at least, not for me. Still it’s not my mistake I ended up like this. Or may be partially I’m at fault for my life.

I’ve been planning to go over to my mom’s place for a few days, so I can help her in her daily chores that her health is restricting her from. It may just ease my thinking I made a big mistake getting married, so early and then giving up my job for someone who has no value of what it meant to me.

Finally there comes a day after a month long wait when I can look for dates to be at mom’s place for a few days. Then there is a tiny hurdle which happily accept and delay my plan for another one day. Now, when the day has finally here and nothing seems to be problem, the question fired at me is, “Do you think it would be appropriate for you to go and stay there?” Obviously, it will never be, because she lives local and everyone thinks me talking to her once daily is enough to satisfy their “Taking Care of her Mom too” definition.

How much can someone give in to this test of fury part of the marriage? I can’t expect him to stand up for me, firstly because he himself doesn’t understand the value of my emotions and secondly, he’s never taken that care of his mom, so it’s never gonna be appropriate for him to tell his mom that I’m to go and take care of mine. Men are such COWARDS!!!

But its enough, I’m done thinking of “Am I doing the right thing and will it look appropriate?” There’s never gonna be the right time to do the right thing. Anytime you wanna do something you believe is right, is the reason enough to justify that anytime to do it is the right time.

In the end, I’m going to my mom’s place, keeping aside all thoughts of: what he thinks; what he will have to face when I’m gone; what I’ll have to face when I’m back and what will he change for me if I go, because he doesn’t want me to go?

I’m done and I’m doing the right thing!

The Truth for the Mother

inpain4ever — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 13:00:04 +0000

Ever since the younger Devil got married, he’s taught ways to his new-wed on how to win everyone in The Family. He very well knew all the weakness and strength and knew where to hit, to whom, for best results. And she being a “Gaon ki gori” has followed it all thoroughly and transformed herself into what they want. Well, good for her and of course, the mother devil, she got what she always wanted, a puppet to play with. And in addition to that, she got the chance to get into her beloved son’s mind and convince him that his wife is not so competent. That anyone can do what she does and what she does is no different or nothing special.

I don’t hate her for who she is or what she is doing to my relationship with my husband. The most she can do is take him away from me, just like she’s taken away my mother and sister from me or just like she’s taken away my independence from me. I don’t have no reason to hate her. Everything she’s said or done is just another mother who loves her sons so much, even more than her husband and in return expects the same from them, because that’s what she’s taught them throughout their life.

But the truth stands that she cannot be with him forever or as long as he lives.

The Give-n-Take Bullshit!!!

inpain4ever — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 15:06:20 +0000

Yeah, I heard this bullshit a lot may be a lllooottt!! Marriage is a give and take relationship. But all I’ve experienced is that people around you are all with hands wide open and you are all at the giving end and if you fail to give one small bit of anything, you’re the spoiling spot of the house!!!

All of you who are planning to get married.. please take my advise.. never ever marry to a joint family. Because you don’t marry the one you love but everyone else around him and he will just be standing by seeing you get stempede and enjoy his work. So if you do, you’re doomed. Just like me and my life!

I left my job so my darling hubby would feel me around though he’s never there for me. I should be there when he wants to spend time with me as a toy he can use or ignore when I’m bad. So that he can come and make use of me anyway he wants to. Mostly so that he has some one around his mother like a maid to keep her busy and dance like a puppet to her and make her happy and he can enjoy his work and his space in life.

Who you are, what you want, no one cares. its like you’re all alone in a crowd mob!!

I hate marriages!!!!

Real Formula To Success

inpain4ever — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 09:37:44 +0000

For few weeks, in their terms as they would count it and for months now as I did, I am trying to cope up with all the reality of my life, their expectations and keeping up my faith that things will be fine or finished. As mort said, you should give a year to your marriage if you think it’s over. But, that’s just me thinking and trying and doing. For them, things just got better for some more time to pass till they get another one like me in this house. In their terms, a better as she is like them as they see it now.

Telling lies to others may be easy but telling lies to yourself is not easy at all, at least not for me. Everyone knows their own reality inside their hearts. Some people are good at cheating themselves as good they are at cheating others. That’s what helps them live a life they want. Pretending every thing is fine and they are really happy. I wish my mother taught me how to do that. Actually, I wish my mom had taught me a lot of things like theirs. Being a hard core stubborn. Being a shout box. Being a selfish arrogant human. Being the most inhuman, pretentious shallow person.

That’s their formula to success. And people always say good wins the evil? How foolish this world has been!!!

For few weeks now, in their terms as they would count it and for months as I did, I am trying to cope up with all the expectations and keeping up my faith that things will be fine or finished. As mort said, you should give year if you think your marriage is over. But, that’s just me thinking and trying and doing. For them, things just got better for some more time to pass till they get another one like me in this house. In their terms, a better as she is like them as they see it now.

Telling lies to others may be easy bt telling lies to yourself is not easy at all. Everyone knows their reality inside their hearts. Some people are good at cheating themselves as good as cheating others. That’s what helps them live a life they want. Pretending every things is fine and they are really happy. I wish my mother taught me how to do that. Actually, I wish my mom had taught me a lot of things like theirs. Being a hard core stubborn. Being a shout box. Being a selfish arrogant human. Being the most inhuman, pretentious shallow person.

That’s their formula to success. And people think that good always say good wins the evil? How foolish this world has been?

Truth Or Lie?

inpain4ever — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 18:08:48 +0000

No matter what he does or say, I can see what’s lying under its cover. The love in his eyes, the truth in his words, the compassion in his voice, its all lost. Or should I say stolen? The only thing I see in his eyes is anger and scrutiny. He’s watching my every step and every word as a critic. He’s talking to me as if I’m full of disgrace to him. He loves me as I’m a prostitute, he just needs to take his stress off and sleep well.

He expects me to love and respect his parents, who do not wish to see me or talk to me directly. He shouts at his father because he cannot tolerate him speaking when he’s drunk, but he expects me to sit and listen to him, bear with him when he’s upsetting everything in the kitchen, or anywhere I was working. He dislikes his mother when she is over-powering or being too commanding on him. Though, she can and does dominate everyone in the house and her sickness should make everybody sorry. But he wants me to be commanded by her forever. In everything I do, every breath I take it should be for her. He says she has lived her life for his grandparents. He says he adores the relation that his parents share, whereas his mother talks so much about how unhappy she still was with her marriage. And how difficult it was for her to cope up with his father.

He tells me we don’t have any relation or he will not love or respect me unless I do as his parents wish from me. They wish that I dance like a puppet from morning to late night. It doesn’t matter I can’t handle all the pressure and their arguments atop. It doesn’t matter I dislike the tasks so much that I wish I would rather be born as poor to do that.

This relation was always based on his terms for me to follow. Is it worth living this life and wait with the hope to see a better tomorrow? Do I have a future with him at all? Am I so dependent on him to live my life happily?

Day After My Vacations.

inpain4ever — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 10:49:29 +0000

I came back from my maa’s home yesterday night with a new thought and a changed perspective, at least I promised myself to give my best shot. Everything seemed different and yet so same. My maa told me to thing positive and have patience, because the winds of change are nearing me. Nevertheless, I doubt that. My trust on everything has been shattered and living with newer, almost fake feelings is tiring. I don’t know what life has in stores for me.

My husband’s attitude seems so loving but there is something under covered. He hugs me, but the arms are no longer wide open. I know expecting everything to be exactly the same or close to it is vague. But if things aren’t changing, how can I?

I don’t know if he’s my friend anymore or not. I’m sure he’s drawn closer to his mother after this trauma we went through. Has he drawn away from me the same much?

What He Says is What He Doesn’t Do

inpain4ever — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 17:24:18 +0000

He’s upset with me because he didn’t like something I did today, or may be, she gave him another dose of her preaching on How To Handle Your Spoilt Wife. And I know he’s upset because he’s avoiding to talk to me and getting irritated if I try to talk to him about anything that happened in our business today.

But when he got upset did he think why did I do this, or whatever I did. He doesn’t even trust in talking to me about it anymore. He blames me saying whatever he’s upset about, he can’t talk to me b’coz we can’t discuss over that thing properly. So, by keeping quite and behaving like that, is he trying to fix the things among us? Who is he trying to cheat or lie to? If he knows he can’t fix it by talking to me, will lying there in the same bed with me and turning himself away from me, fix anything? If talking makes things worse, silence isn’t gonna help either.

Moreover, did he think for once, if there’s something he did that I don’t like too? It happens daily, more than once a day now, but I try to keep myself away from such feelings against him, try not to act like that, coz it will only makes things worse and I can’t expect him to understand me either. mostly when he is under her influence. I try not to hold it against him.

Even if I know he’s wrong and he could hv acted/done better, I don’t hold it against him, for the sake of this relation, isn’t it? I do this because I know that talking to him will get me nowhere and rather mess things up between him & me further. No different from what he’s feeling right now. At the same time, I also know, if I try to punish him for hurting me or my loved ones, I will mess things further. Net, there’s no solution to feeling this way and like he says, IF YOU CAN’T HELP BEING RAPED, BETTER ENJOY IT!!

But are all these things, these sayings just for me to follow? What happens when he’s in the same situation like he is in now? Why is he allowed to act the way he is right now and I’m not? Is it because I don’t have my parents to back me up? Yes, definitely yes. This Is wat makes me feel different for this house & its people. So am I wrong to feel this way about them?